Chris B. Harrison: You’re the Bachelorette
All of America: RT
Would like to place this here as a reminder of our muse for the season:
Great! Grab yer underpriced rosé and your Prilosec for the ensuing heartburn and let’s get cracking:
Mike, 31, uses the phrase “bride-to-be” recreationally—so nice of him to visit us from the 1700s!
Joe, 30, is really into junk boxes and meatballs; allegedly unrelated hobbies but who knows?
Luke, 24, “had an encounter with God in the shower”, which may be a sign that he should switch to chemical-free shampoo
Connor, 24, jumped a fence for his entrance because someone read the Cliffnotes of last season
John Paul Jones, 24, is automatically a douche because he insists on being called by all three of his names
Grant, 30, brought mustard to the sausage party because he’s a man with a vision
Cam, 30, should never try to “rap” ever, ever, ever again
Chasen, 27, is a probable Mormon
We are about 17 Roll Tide’s in to the evening when Demi and Katie show up in a white van to out someone named Scott for having a girlfriend, having deduced the latter from a DM that said…. Scott has a girlfriend. Such remarkable detective skills! Has the House Judiciary Committee heard of them?
Hannah: Do you have a girlfriend?
Scott: What is a “girlfriend”, really?
Hannah: Did you talk to her on Monday?
Scott: Monday? What’s Monday? Want to look at wallpaper samples again?
If it’s any reassurance to Scott, he likely doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore.
Question: Does every Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant get their sequin dresses from the same retailer? Is it Sears?
Luke of “I heard God in the shower” fame gets the first rose, much to the surprise of absolutely no one!!
The other Luke, a political consultant, calls the rose ceremony one of the most high-pressure situations he has ever been in, which begs the question: Is he a political consultant in Canada?
Jonathan on his rose ceremony philosophy: I’m just staring intensely at Hannah the whole time
John Paul Jones, presumably The Third, is having a full-on meltdown at the idea of going home because he a) forewent a promotion to be on this show and b) blew all his graduation money at Vineyard Vines, so was really hoping to hold out for an IG sponsorship 🙁
I swear to god if anyone so much as whispers the words “Roll Tide” again I am going to file an FCC complaint.