4 PM: How is it 4 pm? Where has the weekend gone? Where has the week gone? Where has the year gone? Where has my youth gone? Fuck this, I need a pizza.
4:01 PM: Or do I need a salad? New year, new me, and all that. Maybe this week I’ll try a detox. I could be the kind of person who gets up two hours before work to go to the gym and says things like “I know the cutest juice spot just a few blocks from here!”, right? If Gwyneth can do it, so can I!
4:03 PM: No. No, I cannot. Pizza it is.
4:10 PM: Maybe I’ll be productive whilst I wait for the delivery and get a head start on tomorrow morning’s emails. 40 minutes of extra sleep in the morning. This is the best idea anyone’s had since the invention of UberPool.
4:15 PM: Have Instagram Stories always had these weird ass filters?
4:45 PM: Just spent the better part of half an hour in a deep dive of my friend-turned-nemesis’ co-worker’s sister’s Instagram page and have come to a few conclusions: 1) I need to go on vacation, preferably to Bali and preferably with someone who will similarly document all my impeccable sartorial choices 2) I think I want to get bangs 3) I have royally screwed myself over re: tomorrow’s workload.
4:50 PM: PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA
5 PM: The pizza is finished and so is my desire to be productive. Which Nancy Meyers film do I re-watch?
6 PM: I think I’d give my left arm to have Meryl Streep serve me a croque monsieur.
8 PM: How soon is too soon to eat a second meal?
8:30 PM: Not to be dramatic, but I think this may be the best bowl of pasta I’ve ever made. Somewhere in Italy, a flock of grandmothers are shedding tears of joy. I might name my firstborn “Carbonara”. Am I in the wrong profession?
9 PM: Wait, am I in the wrong profession? What if I haven’t found my true calling yet? What am I waiting for? I’m not getting any younger. Life is fleeting. I don’t think I have the moxie to be one of those people who switches careers in their 60s. I might be dead by then—my sleep schedule is highly irregular and I haven’t ingested a vegetable in God knows how long.
9:30 PM: One university degree, two internships, and a full-time job later and I still have zero idea how to use LinkedIn.
9:31 PM: Given the current depressing State of the Union, I think it best to drown my sorrows in something more cheerful. Goodbye, futile attempts at productivity. Hello, Meyers movie number two.
10 PM: Watching Jack Black attempt to execute a dramatic scene is excruciating. It’s like when SNL cast members go on to pursue serious roles in film and you spend the entire movie constantly expecting them to break character.
11:45 PM: I have accomplished absolutely nothing today.
11:50 PM: If I shower, does that qualify as an accomplishment?
12:10 AM: If I go to bed now and wake up at 7, that’s not too bad. I can still get work done before I have to go to the office. Start the week off strong and get ahead.
12:45 AM: What is sleep?
1 AM: What is life?
3 AM: That’s it. I’m going to ask my doctor to test me for insomnia. This is ridiculous.
3:05 AM: I don’t have a doctor. Mental note: Must make finding doctor who will accept my insurance top priority, in the event I contract the plague that has been going around.
3:30 AM: I’m hungry again.