There is something to be said for the power of the pad. They got you through your first periods when you would rather have surrendered your beloved chestnut UGG boots than attempted to use a tampon. They made dorm beds a little more bearable when it felt like you were going to be sentenced to a year of sleeping on what seemed like a prison cot. And don’t even get me started on legal pads! Lawyers everywhere would be running around in a frenzy, fully unable to function without them (I assume)!
I, meanwhile, am passionate about shoulder pads. I hardly remember a time when my shoulders were unadorned with massive linings of padding. The bigger the better, I
never always say, when it comes to pizza slices and shoulder pads. I relish looking like a linebacker on the loose. It makes me feel secure.
So shoulder pads, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
- I thoroughly enjoy feeling like an 80s power woman who will stomp you with her stiletto if you so much as whisper the word “domesticity”. Except I don’t wear stilettos, and loafers are a lot less threatening. Enter: the shoulder pad.
- The imbalance created by a bulky upper half and a skinnier trouser/skirt situation is something I find extremely aesthetically pleasing.
- Let me paint you a picture: you’re walking down Macdougal street, minding your own business and enjoying a coffee that’s black like your soul when you hear yelling. Intrigued, you pause to eavesdrop and discover that a couple from the home above is having a passionate argument about something unintelligible —rent? chores? the fact that one member of the relationship paid for their $10 Uber home but then passive aggressively Venmo charged the other person $5? Who knows? What you do know is that you suddenly feel a sharp pang on your shoulder, and look to the ground to discover that in the heat of the moment, one half of the dueling couple has defenestrated a stapler that has landed on your shoulder. You feel pain but also annoyance at not being able to make out what the couple was arguing about. And now, to add insult to very literal injury, you have a bruised shoulder. Not that this has ever happened to me, but I’m not willing to play fast and loose with the safety of my shoulders. ARE YOU??????
- Shoulder pads come with a rich and über-feminist history that dates back to Elsa Schiaparelli and I am here for it. Everyone knows that shoulder pads are the OG pantsuit.
- There’s nothing quite like a boxy blazer resplendent in its shoulder padded glory to add some edge/intrigue to an outfit. Wanna know why my shoulders are so big? They’re full of secrets.
- Nobody questions a woman in shoulder pads.