An Ode To Shoulder Pads

An Ode To Shoulder Pads [www.whatkumquat.com]

There is something to be said for the power of the pad. They got you through your first periods when you would rather have surrendered your beloved chestnut UGG boots than attempted to use a tampon. They made dorm beds a little more bearable when it felt like you were going to be sentenced to a year of sleeping on what seemed like a prison cot. And don’t even get me started on legal pads! Lawyers everywhere would be running around in a frenzy, fully unable to function without them (I assume)!

I, meanwhile, am passionate about shoulder pads. I hardly remember a time when my shoulders were unadorned with massive linings of padding. The bigger the better, I never always say, when it comes to pizza slices and shoulder pads. I relish looking like a linebacker on the loose. It makes me feel secure.

So shoulder pads, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

  • I thoroughly enjoy feeling like an 80s power woman who will stomp you with her stiletto if you so much as whisper the word “domesticity”. Except I don’t wear stilettos, and loafers are a lot less threatening. Enter: the shoulder pad.
  • The imbalance created by a bulky upper half and a skinnier trouser/skirt situation is something I find extremely aesthetically pleasing.
  • Let me paint you a picture: you’re walking down Macdougal street, minding your own business and enjoying a coffee that’s black like your soul when you hear yelling. Intrigued, you pause to eavesdrop and discover that a couple from the home above is having a passionate argument about something unintelligible —rent? chores? the fact that one member of the relationship paid for their $10 Uber home but then passive aggressively Venmo charged the other person $5? Who knows? What you do know is that you suddenly feel a sharp pang on your shoulder, and look to the ground to discover that in the heat of the moment, one half of the dueling couple has defenestrated a stapler that has landed on your shoulder. You feel pain but also annoyance at not being able to make out what the couple was arguing about. And now, to add insult to very literal injury, you have a bruised shoulder. Not that this has ever happened to me, but I’m not willing to play fast and loose with the safety of my shoulders. ARE YOU??????
  • Shoulder pads come with a rich and über-feminist history that dates back to Elsa Schiaparelli and I am here for it. Everyone knows that shoulder pads are the OG pantsuit.
  • There’s nothing quite like a boxy blazer resplendent in its shoulder padded glory to add some edge/intrigue to an outfit. Wanna know why my shoulders are so big? They’re full of secrets.
  • Nobody questions a woman in shoulder pads.

18 Comments

  1. This is the best! I love the 80s – so funny to look back at the shoulder pad outfits from then to now!

  2. I really hope the shoulder pads don’t come back lol!!!

  3. Hahha what a great post!

  4. I have one sequin top from my mom’s from “back in the day” with shoulder pads built it- it’s always an experience to wear it!! This post is too funny!!

    xoxo A
    http://www.southernbelleintraining.com

  5. HA I love this post!

  6. Lol this post is hilarious! Hopefully shoulder pads aren’t coming back anytime soon

  7. Hahaha, you are my favorite! I used to get so confused by shoulder pads while playing dress up in my mom’s closet. Is that photo of your momma? It is absolutely fabulous.

    XO, SS || Seersucker Sass

  8. I honestly believe that this fashion trend might be back soon xD so many older trends are coming back, that it’s almost expected that there will be a more chiller version of shoulder pads haha

  9. You crack me UP! Love this post! Idk about shoulder pads thoooo… haha

  10. Lol I don’t like shoulder pads, but I think you totally swayed me!

  11. Lol love this! You definitely pull off shoulder pads, but I feel like I would look like a 10 year old in her mom’s suit jacket if I wore them lmao

  12. This screams 80s! Makes me want to watch Breakfast Club or Pretty in Pink

  13. Hehe, fun post! Definitely hoping shoulder pads aren’t coming back but I loved reading this!

  14. Such a fun post! You’re so funny! I never got the shoulder pads thing, and I never will. My mum actually has a blazer with HUGE shoulder pads and just.. nope. HAHA!

  15. Ha! This was so much fun to read!

  16. Oh my goodness this is too funny! I remember almost all of my mom’s clothing had shoulder pads in it. I’m definitely not a fan haha.

  17. I remember in high school I loved shoulder detailing! They were so fun to play around with!
    xoxo,
    Amy | Pastel N Pink

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