Memoirs of a New York Failure

Memoirs of a New York Failure [www.whatkumquat.com]

I’ve adapted to living in New York the way one adapts to a new stepparent.

You’re not 100% comfortable with the situation at hand, you wish you could skip the awkward getting-to-know-you phase because you know you’ll be seeing a lot of them from here on out, and quickly figure out that it’s in your best interest to get on their good side. Because they could be a potential ally, and also they know where the good alcohol is kept (anyone who’s been lured into one of the many “$5 frozen margaritas!” establishments in New York knows how important the latter is).

So adapt I did. Since moving here I have discovered that ramen is 71¢ at CVS, but only 49¢ at Duane Reade. I know that 11th avenue is a windy hell that should be avoided if you don’t feel like flashing the entirety of New York. I also know that despite warnings regarding the nutritional content of 99¢ pizza, you could do a lot worse.

But in many ways, I’m a terrible New Yorker. I feel like I need to apologize to the city at large for being a fraud. And since a blog is cheaper than therapy, here we go.

New York, how do I fail thee? Let me count the ways:

  1. I have sent multiple tourists in the wrong direction with such conviction that when I realized halfway through my navigational sermon I had made a mistake, I was too embarrassed to correct it so I instead sent them steadfastly to the West Village through Central Park. Uptown.
  2. I keep trusting the Google Maps metro time.
  3. I still call it the metro.
  4. I once ate at a food truck. Not a glamorous one, either. One of those ones by Times Square that will serve you a hot dog with ketchup and a healthy side serving of the bubonic plague.
  5. I’ve not been to Brooklyn since moving here.
  6. I use an umbrella in the snow and have to cling to the walls to avoid sliding everywhere because I STILL DON’T OWN SNOW BOOTS.
  7. I have yet to befriend a single tortured artist, fabulously eccentric old woman who wears bags as hats, or H-list celebrity.
  8. I actually like the rats. I think they’re cute and a refreshing change of wildlife from the satan-spawned pigeons.
  9. I don’t know where the 7 goes. I suspect Narnia.
  10. I deadass forgot about the Empire State Building for the first four months I lived here, and I still have no idea where it is located.
  11. The one and only time I’ve seen a Broadway show, I fell asleep.
  12. I voluntarily live in Midtown.
  13. I’d rather eat my black leather ankle boot than try a bagel with lox.

 

16 Comments

  1. It sounds like you are settling into city life!! It wouldn’t be a move without a few good stories like these. 😉 Too funny you forgot about the Empire state building!

    xoxo A
    http://www.southernbelleintraining.com

  2. I always adore your sense of humor. Keep failing at being a New Yorker long enough and eventually you’ll be one…I’m not sure why it works that way but I’m almost certain it does!

  3. allisonarnone

    LOLLLL number one. I’m FROM here and once told someone to head on a train downtown to go somewhere and when they walked away I realized they should have gone uptown. Woops. It’s a good life lesson in trust, though, so I’m OK with it.

  4. Hahahaha xx. I love the title. But don’t worry if you think you are a failure. You will learn new things

  5. jennyblaisdell

    Haha I love this! I’ve only visited New York once and am dying to go back.

  6. hahaha it can take a while to get used to a new city, especially one as big as NY!

  7. Ha! I live in NY too and can agree with so many of these. I always send tourists the wrong way (not purposely!), and still don’t own snow boots after almost three winters here either. I guess I feel like a real New Yorker without them honestly, lol.

  8. Love this, it gave me a good laugh 🙂 I have also fallen asleep at a broadway show before, so you’re not alone!

  9. This is so funny! We visited NYC for the first time this past summer and I don’t know how you do it! I love city life but it’s so overwhelming.

  10. This is really funny! I love New York, I’ve been there for vacation only, so I must see that living in NY is whole different thing. I love your honesty, and how much you enjoy living in NYC. Great post!

  11. Haha i hate NYC. It’s too crowded and smelly. I don’t get where everyone is rushing to! But I do like Brookyln! I’m surprised you haven’t gone to Smorgasburg!

  12. omg…this is so funny. “I don’t know where the 7 goes. I suspect Narnia.” I have only been to NYC once as a tourist. I expect it is quite different as a new resident.

  13. This is so great. I’ve actually been one of those tourists in NY where a local gave me wrong directions haha. Sucked at the time, but now I think it’s hilarious – especially after reading this. When I lived in Scotland for a year, and became TERRIFIED of the freaking seagulls there! They will attack you for food! I came to love the giant city rats and foxes (yes – foxes), that roamed Dundee if only because they didn’t steal food right out of my hands haha. But those NY pigeons though, they are literally everywhere. I definitely get why you don’t mind seeing the rats!

  14. Brooke Butler

    This is hilarious! I’ve never been to New York, but I’m dying to go!

  15. Love this! I don’t know if I could ever live in NYC, but props to you!!

  16. This was so interesting to read! I also moved to a new city and adapting is hard! I’d say making a lot of allies is key!

    I wish to visit New York someday though.

    Ash | http://www.theashtreejournal.com

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