Memoirs of a New York Failure

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Memoirs of a New York Failure [www.whatkumquat.com]

I’ve adapted to living in New York the way one adapts to a new stepparent. You’re not 100% comfortable with the situation at hand, you wish you could skip the awkward getting-to-know-you phase because you know you’ll be seeing a lot of them from here on out, and quickly figure out that it’s in your best interest to get on their good side. Because they could be a potential ally, and also they know where the good alcohol is kept (anyone who’s been lured into one of the many “$5 frozen margaritas!” establishments in New York knows how important the latter is).

So adapt I did. Since moving here I have discovered that ramen is 71¢ at CVS, but only 49¢ at Duane Reade. I know that 11th avenue is a windy hell that should be avoided if you don’t feel like flashing the entirety of New York. I also know that despite warnings regarding the nutritional content of 99¢ pizza, you could do a lot worse.

But I am not a New Yorker, and even after living here for too long for the following list of behaviors to be cute and excusable, I routinely make many mistakes. And since a blog is cheaper than therapy, here is my shot at acknowledging them: 

  1. I have sent multiple tourists in the wrong direction with such conviction that when I realized halfway through my navigational sermon I had made a mistake, I was too embarrassed to correct it so I instead sent them steadfastly to the West Village through Central Park. Uptown.
  2. I keep trusting the Google Maps metro time.
  3. I still call it the metro.
  4. I once ate at a food truck. Not a glamorous one, either. One of those ones by Times Square that will serve you a hot dog with ketchup and a healthy side serving of the bubonic plague.
  5. I’ve not been to Brooklyn since moving here.
  6. I use an umbrella in the snow and have to cling to the walls to avoid sliding everywhere because I still don’t own snow boots.
  7. I have yet to befriend a single tortured artist, fabulously eccentric old woman who wears bags as hats, or H-list celebrity.
  8. I actually like the rats. I think they’re cute and a refreshing change of wildlife from the satan-spawned pigeons.
  9. I don’t know where the 7 goes. I suspect Narnia.
  10. I deadass forgot about the Empire State Building for the first four months I lived here, and I still have no idea where it is located.
  11. The one and only time I’ve seen a Broadway show, I fell asleep.
  12. I voluntarily live in Midtown.
  13. I’d rather eat my black leather ankle boot than try a bagel with lox.

 

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