How To Dress For Coachella: A Guide

How To Dress For Coachella: a guide [www.whatkumquat.com]

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

No, not that time. The other one.

For two thoroughly-Snapchatted and spray-tanned weekends in April, the wealthy youth of America and a few middle-aged ruffians looking to cling desperately to the good old days gather in a desert to “listen to music”. And by “listen to music”, I do mean drink copiously whilst decked out in every bohemian stereotype imaginable. Though in all fairness, festival goers will tag musicians in their Instagrams from time to time, as long as they go with whatever quirky pre-planned #chella caption they had thought of before even purchasing their tickets. Ah, spontaneity.

In the spirit of being topical, I felt that addressing Coachella was a matter of dire cultural importance this week on the blog. Last year I graced the internet with some uninvited commentary on how to fake your presence at the festival. This year, I’m here to help those actually attending Coachella (or something Coachella-esque, like a 70s-themed frat party) with one of the real reasons anyone goes to it: the fashion.

Step One: The motif you’re going for is “slutty homeless hippie gets their hands on jewelled body stickers and goes ham”, so plan accordingly. Acquire a base of printed clothing from trousers to skirts and go from there. Anything fringed and crochet is also kosher. Don’t own a flowy maxi dress? No problem! On your next trip to your grandma’s house, steal her tablecloth. Wrap that around your person in a way that says “it took me 15 minutes and an entire case of pins to finagle this contraption but you can’t tell because of how casually I’m pulling it off”.

Step Two: The second thing to do is go about finding jewellery. Of course, the word “jewellery” is a loose term, herein used to include anything from hemp bracelets to safety pins that might be construed as a quirky accessory. Proponents of the Less Is More doctrine have NO PLACE at this three-day display of narcissism: just when you think you’ve got enough jewellery on, add a necklace. If you want to be a super individual, wear said necklace as a belt. That’s never been done before.

Step Three:  Shoes: who needs them anyway? A true bohemian is always barefoot. A true bohemian knows gangrene is a hoax invented by the Chinese. A true bohemian is appalled at the mass-produced, commercialized foot-casings that rot the world’s landfills and are the product of unethical labour. Unless the aforementioned bohemian has their eye on a pair of $500 Rag & Bone booties. Then all bets are off.

Step Four: Let’s talk about your beauty lewk! Remember the adhesive rhinestones you used to use in 5th grade to decorate your posters? A really cool thing to do with them is stick them on your face. And arms. And boobs. It’s ideal for that natural glow that will show people you’re really #chill and don’t try too hard. What, the emerald green stick-on heart on my left cheek? I didn’t even notice it was there. It’s a birthmark.

As for the rest of your face, the look you want to aim for is Johnny Depp in The Lone Ranger. It’s a classic, timelessly understated look that goes with everything.

Step Five: The most important part of any social excursion: the documentation. While this isn’t necessarily a tip to do with fashion, everyone knows that a good outfit is nothing without 4-27 strategically-angled photos of it. Don’t forget to put on a cute Snap filter before heading out the door! Go for the flower crown if you want to be meta. Go for the puppy filter if you want me to show up on your doorstep and whack you over the head with a shoe.

PLAN B: fuck it and wear a swimsuit. Minimalism at its finest.

15 Comments

  1. What a great guide, I have never been to choachella, but I would just love to go!

  2. Nicole Kroutil

    I love this. I’ve never been to coachella but this is pretty much what I think of when I hear it. People covered in glitter or rhinestones! or flower print everything LOL

  3. HAHA. This is fantastic. Yes this is all of what I saw on snapchat, flower crowns and fringe.

  4. You are hilarious. I laughed out loud at “it’s a birthmark.”

  5. jennyblaisdell

    LOL this is too funny. I’ve actually never had any desire to Coachella.

  6. HAAAAA I seriously love you!! This post is everything! I wish you could commentate red carpets or something lol

  7. HAHAHAHAHAHA these are such perfectly narrated tips xD I don’t think I would survive at Coachella, but thanks for the tips xD

    http://thesofieyahdiaries.com/fashion/porcelain-flowers

  8. “Go for the puppy filter if you want me to show up on your doorstep and whack you over the head with a shoe.” Dying over this! You are too funny!

  9. Candice Nikeia

    Great tips for Coachella – shoes are the hardest to choose because you want to be cute but also stylish!

  10. haha love the plan b option.

  11. Hahahaha love it! Such a great commentary on festival fashion!

  12. lovelysilvia

    This is so funny! Perfect Coachella wear!

  13. This is all so true and made me LOL! I hope to go to Coachella one day, just need to grab my grandmothers table cloth before I go!

    Greta | http://www.gretahollar.com

  14. One of these days i’ll go!! The styles kill me too – some celebs… you can’t help but wonder who dressed them?! But I do enjoy seeing all the crazy outfits. Always entertaining!

    Carly | http://www.thecarlycollective.com

  15. Omg this is seriously the best! I was laughing the entire time!

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