I would like to preface what is sure to be a riveting recap by announcing that I’ve given up. Apparently, so has ABC because they dead-ass announced that Rachel was going to be the new Bachelorette before she was even sent home. SO MUCH FOR THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER, Nick, you just eliminated the most dramatic finale possibility: the Bachelor actually ending up with someone who possesses an IQ higher than that of a chicken.
FROM LAST TIME (because apparently ending an episode with an actual rose ceremony is out of the question these days smh)
Chris Harrison: Hey Nick, heard you had a rough day yesterday
Nick: Oh my god who told you???
Meanwhile, Corinne looks straight-up terrified that Nick is going to start crying again and she’ll have to deal with being in a real relationship. Probably because between ordering Raquel to slice her cucumbers and playing around on Excel “for work”, she’s been too busy to learn how to deal with adults. Where’s Taylor and her emotional intelligence when you need her????
Nick: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this morning, and as tough as this week has been, I’m excited to continue. Mostly because I’m contractually obligated to do so. Also for the right reasons lol
Nick then announces that the rose ceremony/cocktail party is cancelled and they’re all going to Bimini because, incidentally, it’s the perfect place to fall in love.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH VANESSA
Corinne on Vanessa’s ability to be vulnerable: If I’m being honest, I don’t feel like there’s that much for her to open up about. She doesn’t have much depth.
Whereas Corinne is super deep and comes with a dark, mysterious past. We still don’t know the exact ingredients for this folkloric “cheese pasta”.
God this date is so boring I’ve had eye exams more interesting than this shit.
Nick: I just want to make sure I don’t lose you
Vanessa: I’m not going anywhere
Me: Ugh are you sure
Now they’re going to dive off a perfectly good yacht to go examine a rusty old shipwreck, because nothing says romance like gangrene!
Vanessa, you wanted your next relationship to be “easy” so you decided to go on The Bachelor to essentially become a sister wife? In what world does this constitute an “easy” relationship? What are you comparing it to? Was your last relationship with Donald Trump?
Nick approaches SPF like he’s someone’s mother, spending what seems like the first 20 minutes of the group date making sure everyone is wearing sunscreen.
He then announces that the perfect way to take this already doomed date to the next level is by swimming with sharks. Jesus man, hasn’t Kristina suffered enough?
Raven, apparent shark connoisseur: I’d say Corinne would be the first to be eaten. Then Kristina, because she’s scared and as you know sharks can smell fear.
This turns out to be quite prophetic, because Kristina gets scared almost immediately and gets back on the boat. Nick follows, leaving Corinne and Raven to their deaths in the water. I would be annoyed but now that Rachel’s dunzo I’m team Kristina so like whatever godspeed with the sharks Corinne
Nick then goes on to spend most of the date with Kristina, prompting Corinne to give up and resign herself to the cheese platter. I really can’t tell if I hate this girl or if she’s my spirit animal:
Nick proceeds to give Raven the group date rose, in a move that no one (including Raven) saw coming.
ONE ON ONE WITH DANIELLE
Nick comments that he’s struggling to have a natural conversation with Danielle. I don’t know what he’s worried about because this is the most I’ve heard her speak since her first one on one.
Nick: Cheers to a fun, pleasant beach day
Good to know he remembers as little about their date as we do. For one, they never went to the beach.
Danielle is totally the person that when people ask what she’s like, the answer is “oh she’s really nice” and that’s it.
Nick: We’re two Wisconsin kids who can relate on so many levels.
Really, Nick? Would love to see some of those aforementioned levels any minute now, maybe if you start talking about cheese or cows or whatever else they have in Wisconsin this date would REALLY go to another level of fun pleasantry!
In a shocking move that absolutely everyone saw coming, he sends Danielle home. Then the producers make her pack on camera whilst crying, which tbh is a real dick move ABC.
THE CORINNE SITUATION
Corinne’s master plan -otherwise known as the plot twist the producers have been hinting at since episode one in an effort to salvage this godforsaken season- is finally coming to fruition. She’s off to Nick’s room to seduce him. Or she would be, except she’s really struggling to walk in those six inch heels.
She then drops this little sound bite that has been reposted more times than Joe Biden memes in the past month:
Seriously? For the good of America they couldn’t have turned off their mics? Listening to the horrendously cringey tragedy that is Nick attempting to dirty talk should be considered a human rights violation.
Nick decides to turn her down because after three other seasons he’s learnt his lesson about being perceived as a villain. Nick’s like I can’t go back to Paradise. I just can’t. Don’t fuck this up.
ONE ON ONE WITH RACHEL
Not even gonna recap this date because a) it lasted about as long as Kristina did in shark-infested waters and b) WHAT IS THE POINT ANYMORE LOVE IS DEAD
Corinne is panicking about the prospect of going home. Calm down honey. Take a nap. Find some cheese. Streak something. It will be fine.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME NICHOLAS VIALL YOU ARE SENDING HOME THE ORPHANED RUSSIAN REFUGEE AND KEEPING A BLONDE PSYCHOPATH FROM FLORIDA WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT CHEESE PASTA = MAC AND CHEESE AND SAYS THINGS LIKE “MAKE AMERICA CORINNE AGAIN” UGH I am so done with this
(but not really because we still have three more episodes to go and I’ve got pageviews to upkeep. See ya next week😘)