This can also be aptly entitled “A Tale of Two Ellys”.
There’s the fashion-loving Elly, who does not see a glittery pleated trouser but rather a party on your legs, and who would like to be the kind of person to fearlessly wear a bralette under a blazer. Then there’s the practical Elly, who knows that in real life you can’t run around in only a bra because you are not Lady Gaga and that is in direct violation of the office dress code. That Elly sucks (she’s also responsible for the occasional introduction of vegetables into an otherwise perfectly good meal), but I have to keep her around because much like inoculations, I would probably be dead without her.
When it comes to fashion, there are more than a few contradictions that Practical Elly cannot wrap her head around. Namely, how is it that certain trends are heralded as The Next Big Thing In Everyday-Wear but meanwhile possess intrinsic difficulties that make it impossible to wear them comfortably?
So I’ve compiled a list of grievances addressing these fashion conundrums. If anyone has any wisdom as to how to possibly get around these, I implore you to share via a comment, Instagram DM, or carrier pigeon. Seriously, I am desperate.
- On the subject of mom jeans: Riddle me this, pre-teen Instagram sensations: how in the name of avocado toast do you wear mom jeans sans camel toe? I’ve bought high-waist jeans a size small, a size large, and even went as far as to buy a pair that are actually my size. Every last one of them makes me look like I’m about to make a cameo in an 80s workout video. SOS.
- On the subject of bodysuits: Let me paint you a picture. You’re out at a bar having a grand old time and feeling quite saucy thanks to the lace-up bodysuit you’re wearing. Then, tragedy strikes: you remember that having to pee is a side effect of ingesting liquids. You now have two options. Option one, do nothing and possibly incur some kind of bladder infection. Or option two, get to what is probably a disgusting public restroom and strip down completely naked whilst questioning the life decisions that led you to that moment. I can’t tell which is less appealing.
- On the subject of flimsy jackets being “perfect for winter!”: Seriously. You’re going to sit there and tell me that your denim bomber jacket is reallllly keeping you warm? You live in New York! Are you completely impervious to the weather? What are you, a wizard?
- On the subject of those damn Balenciaga ankle boots: They are gorgeous and yes, I’m not proud of it but I would probably auction off most of my belongings to be able to afford them. But these shoes are a kitten-heeled menace to society. Look at how wobbly they are! Look at the angle of the heel, specially designed for danger! All it takes is one misstep to twist your ankle and end up in the ER! Is there a training process you go through before allowing yourself to wear these boots out of the house? Have you decided to sacrifice your feet in the pursuit of sartorial relevance (a noble cause I can 100% get behind)? Or are the people who wear these so rich they can afford to uber everywhere and avoid potential catastrophe altogether?
- On the subject of those cool deep-V tops: Can we please just make a pact as women to stop pretending that pasties are the answer to everything? Sure, your nips may be covered but you are one rogue gust of wind away from exposing your entire boob, pastie and all. To all the women wearing these tops out: what is your secret, I must know.