My Clothes as Characters

Not having a defined personal style has been complicated for me.

On one hand, I am at a permanent loss for what to say when filling out various things relating to this blog that demand to know what characterizes and motivates my personal style. I can never come up with a witty answer. I lie a lot. Once I wrote down “hipster” and immediately hated myself. Another time I referred to myself as “classic with a twist”. What the hell does that even mean? That sounds like a cocktail you order at an upscale bar where dress code is enforced and nothing, not even a napkin, costs less than $20.

On the other hand, this has the effect of my weekly outfits reading like profiles on the homepage of an online dating site, which is quite fun. Are you interested in Monica, 33, whose fuchsia pantsuit means that she’s ~quirky and unpredictable~ yet probably already has a retirement fund in place and has also mastered the skill of keeping a house fern alive? Or leaning more towards flannel-and-beanie-clad Kay, who may force you into trying kombucha but has the BEST taste in music and def knows where to get good weed?

I like how clothes can transform people’s perception of you and alter your mood more than anything else. It’s like assuming a new persona for the day, a permanent Halloween. So here’s a fun lil trip down memory lane on WhatKumquat: my clothes as characters. Swipe right!… or left, I still don’t have enough storage on my phone to download Tinder and therefore don’t know how to use it. But I can appreciate the metaphor.

winter cape |www.whatkumquat.com
Sabine is a full-time rich person who doesn’t like to leave her penthouse apartment to interact with the commoners. She gets her groceries delivered and has a live-in maid who walks her dog (a Bichon Frise named Victoria III) so she can stay as far removed from reality as possible, a truth made most evident by the fact that she’s wearing a full-on cape like she lives in Narnia or 1863.
pleated skirt
Next up is Tammy, student council president and the girl who will only hang out with you if she’s scheduled the time to do so in her colour-coordinated planner. In her down time, she can be found sifting through neutral-coloured turtlenecks at Ann Taylor.
vintage-style-elly-leavitt
This is Addison, who has taken her love for all things “vintage” too damn far by dressing like the lovechild of Ozzy Osbourne and a 50s housewife. She bikes everywhere and refuses to listen to music unless it’s on her record player- her absolute FAVE record is this really cool retro one she found at Urban Outfitters called “1989” by up and coming artist Taylor Swift.
french-street-style-elly-leavitt
This is Suede (née Sarah, which is like totally mainstream and not cool, mom). Suede is hip and very into street art for the artistic appreciation, not the Instagram opportunity. She pioneered the manbun, chainsmokes like it’s 1925, and is really, really chill. Unless you call her out on the fact that her flannel cost 200$.
fall fashion |www.whatkumquat.com
Callie is that one girl who went to Coachella two years ago and hasn’t let anyone forget it. Fuckin Callie.
winter neutrals /www.whatkumquat.com
Susan -don’t you dare call her Susie- is 24 and over you. She’s really, really busy and can hardly find the time to eat between regularly scheduled sessions at SoulCycle and therapy with her life guru, Rain. Susan’s the typa bitch who would rather keel over and die than travel two blocks without an Uber. You know, because she’s sooooo busy.
the little white dress |www.whatkumquat.com
Elena is a bougie mother from the Upper East Side who is perpetually stressed out. She saw a Dr. Oz episode once that discussed the benefits of juicing and as such hasn’t eaten solid food since 2013. Elena enjoys long romantic trips to the smoothie bar at the gym and in a movie would 100% be played by Gwyneth Paltrow.
90s silk cami + white tee trend |www.whatkumquat.com
Matysson is 14 years old and a huge celebrity. Her social media followers love her for her candid -BUT NOT!- outfit shots that generally feature shoes more expensive than your college tuition. She refuses to eat anywhere that doesn’t have marble countertops and would rather post an unedited selfie than wear anything with colour. The last time she cried was when Instagram changed their algorithm.
street style |www.whatkumquat.com
Bertha has seen one too many spy movies and keeps forgetting that she doesn’t need to walk in zig zags on the way to work because no one is following her and that person who gave her a suspicious look a couple blocks ago was probably just confused as fuck about why she’s dressed like a male PI from a film noir. Date at your own risk: Bertha is the kind of person who will spend hours dissecting your “food?” text because she can’t decide whether it means you want to get food or if you’re making an indirect comment about her weight.
linen midi skirt |www.whatkumquat.com
Has there literally ever been anyone who looks more like a Mary-Ellen? I think not. Observe the carefully ironed midi skirt and sensible short sleeved button down. This is one girl who definitely eats the suggested 5 fruits/veg a day and also carries hand sanitizer and an emergency sewing kit in her bag.
high waisted pants & crop top [www.whatkumquat.com]
This person couldn’t be more of a Miranda if she chopped her hair off, dyed it orange, and decided to get adult braces (only because you would never see them as, let’s face it, the only time this Miranda smiles is when faced with the opportunity to pick out a new leather briefcase).

 

 

19 Comments

  1. You have just made me become that person that chuckles at their laptop in the library between noisy bites of their granola bar. This is literary genius. I’m sharing this everywhere. I might print it out. That’s probably weird. Anyway, this is so good!!

    X,
    Cristina / cristinawashere.com

  2. I love your outfits and the variety your blog has!

  3. This was an absolutely perfect post! You killed the character descriptions! The outfits fit them perfectly (and all of the outfits are great by the way0

  4. This might be the funniest post I have ever read! Loved it! Mary-Ellen and Susan are my two faves, for sure!

    xoxo, SS

    Southern And Style

  5. Haha, this is great. Such a fun way to recap past outfits and get someone who isn’t usually interested in fashion posts to keep scrolling. Props for being so funny & self-deprecating! 🙂

  6. This is equally hilarious and perfect. And I have also never related to something so much. I feel like one day I want to be chic, the next I want to be athletic, and then preppy, then monotone. I am all over the place with my style but I think that makes you and I relateable to everyone, because we are a little part of everything. Thank you for this post.

    xo Courtney Drew

  7. Hahahaha this is hilarious and so creative! I feel like sometimes my outfits have different personalities too.

    Kayla | kaylablogs.com

  8. This is so hilarious, I love it!! Seriously I was cackling at my computer reading this.

    xo
    Sami
    http://www.theclassicbrunette.com

  9. This was truly brilliant. You have impeccable style and I totally understand.

  10. This was SUCH a fun post! You are so creative and the names and descriptions fit the styles perfectly!

  11. I LOVE your outfits and the creativity of this post!

  12. This is such a cute post! I love all your characters!

    Greta | http://www.gretahollar.com

  13. I have shared this post with pretty much everyone I know, and we have all laughed until we cried. Thank you for making my day!

    XO, SS || Seersucker Sass

  14. This is seriously such a fabulous & hilarious post! Love your blog girlfriend!

TALK BACK

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.