PEMDAS, And Other Useless Lessons From School

It has recently come to my attention that I’m 22 years old, about to rent my first real apartment with the money from my (hopefully) real job, and I have zero idea how to do anything of real importance.

Pay taxes? Not a clue.

Keep a house fern alive? Nope.

Get rid of a rogue bee after it has taken up residence in my room and refuses to leave? God help me. I think I’d rather move out.

But fear not! All those years of schooling have not gone to waste! SOHCAHTOA!!!! THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL!!

I’ve now graduated university and can tell you with the utmost confidence that never once have I used like 98% of the things I learnt in K-12. And in the spirit of reminiscing, I’ve compiled a list of 10 other useless lessons from school. Here we go.

  1. How to care for a flour baby- If anything this does a disservice to future parents who, upon returning with their newborn spawn from the hospital, will be shocked to discover that it refuses to sit still and be quiet. Also when the week of care was over I’m pretty sure everyone made cookies out of their flour babies, which in the real world is extremely illegal and also constitutes cannibalism.
  2. Dissecting a frog- Unless you are planning to be a biologist or a potential serial killer literally what is the point of this? Like hello, here’s Kermit, let’s cut him open and tear out his heart don’t forget we have a pop quiz on Friday. It’s one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced. Well, not personally as I pretended I was a vegetarian on dissection day and refused to do it on principle, but I was still in the room as dozens of frogs were being senselessly butchered, and the incident still haunts me to this day.
  3. The order of operations-
    Bank: What do you mean you can’t figure out how to balance your account
    Me:
    Accountant: Did you never learn basic math
    Me: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally
  4. Geometric proofs- I can’t set up an IKEA bed on my own but don’t worry, I can tell you with 85% certainty that x=y due to an obscure theory created by an obscure man that lived in an obscure country and probably needed to get laid.
  5. Je veux aller au cinema- I lived in Lyon for 4 months and never once did I use this. Yet for the first two years of my French lessons this (along with “ou est Marc? Il est au cinema!” what is it with the French and cinemas huh) is the only thing my teachers decided was important to remember.
  6. Pizza fractions- If Mary orders 12 pizzas but only leaves 1/16 of the order for her friends, what is left? Ha ha trick question Mary has no friends because she’s a pizza-eating monster with no regard for the hunger of others. Bitch.
  7. Running the mile- I beg your pardon. Am I training for the Olympics? In need of learning how to evade capture? No? Then why would I ever need to run a fast mile? Is walking out of the question? If yes, have you not heard of Uber?
  8. The various names of empires and dynasties- They’re all dead now. I’m sure they won’t mind if we forget how to spell their names.
  9. Learning cursive- This is a life skill I imagine will be incredibly useful for next week when I go back in time to 1785 and need to maintain correspondence with my dear aunt Mildred to let her know that I’m betrothed to Lord Jeffrey Norbert III (of the Wilkenshirebridge Norberts).
  10. The number of lines in a Shakespearean sonnet- Shakespeare is not going to rise from the grave and demand to know his legacy is being upheld. Also who tf writes sonnets anymore to express emotion? Can you not just Snapchat your message with the appropriate filter? Riddle me that, English department.

15 Comments

  1. Full disclosure: I’m a teacher. I teach a personal finance class that covers everything from job interviews to bank accounts to taxes to insurance. I push really hard every year for it to be required for all students, and every year no one listens. About the cursive, though: I think you’re absolutely right in that you don’t need to know how to write it. You do need to know how to read it, though, which is a skills many of my students lack. Can you imagine telling a boss she’ll have to print for you? Me either, but my students do it all the time.

  2. I remember some of these from highschool! Fun times lol

  3. I would like you applaud you because I 100% agree with the not-real lessons you listed above. Like ‘Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally,’ give me a break, that’s not going to help me finance a car.

  4. Ha! In 7th grade they tried to make me dissect a frog so I went to the bathroom and acted like I was sick just so I didn’t have to do it. And I HATED geometry in high school and guess what… I have NEVER used it. Would have been great to learn how to do taxes though!

  5. PEMDAS #LMAO Seriously that brought back memories. Great post!

    – Rachel | http://www.theconfusedmillennial.com

  6. I actually never heard of this lol!!! I am to young lol.
    http://xoxobella.com

  7. LOL love this post! I HATED doing all this stuff… especially running the mile. Yuck!! Love the writing in this post. You’re hysterical xx

  8. Can’t think of the last time I’ve done PEMDAS or was forces to write in cursive. I just want to know how to budget and how to install my own internet! Haha 🙂

    X,
    Cristina / cristinawashere.com

  9. This post was SO funny! Definitely agree with geometry proofs, that was not fun haha!

    xoxo,
    Katie
    chicincarolina.blogspot.com

  10. This is hilarious! Just remember life and learning happen in the moments when we find ourselves in new places facing new challenges. Such a fun time in life!

  11. So many of these are SO true! Like no, I don’t use stupid PEMDAS, or perfect cursive or geometric proofs. They’re dumb, and so not necessary!

  12. Hahahaha this is so funny!! I definitely remember taking french class and filling out tons of worksheets that were along the lines of what you mentioned above!

    Tori

  13. Omg this is absolutely hilarious. PEMDAS is such a joke, why do we need to learn this stuff! I would much rather learn about how to pay taxes and not be a bumbling idiot as an adult!

    xo
    Sami
    http://www.theclassicbrunette.com

  14. LOL this post is hilarious! If only we could teach more practical things in school!

  15. This is too funny!! I can’t believe I forgot about PEMDAS!
    xoxo
    Amy | Pastel N Pink

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