PEMDAS, And Other Useless Lessons From School

It has recently come to my attention that I’m 22 years old, about to rent my first real apartment with the money from my (hopefully) real job, and I have zero idea how to do anything of real importance.

Pay taxes? Not a clue.

Keep a house fern alive? Nope.

Get rid of a rogue bee after it has taken up residence in my room and refuses to leave? God help me, I think I’d rather move out.

But fear not! All those years of schooling have not gone to waste! SOHCAHTOA!!!! THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL!! Having now graduated university, I can tell you with the utmost confidence that never once have I used 98% of the things I learnt in K-12. And in the spirit of reminiscing, I’ve compiled a list of 10 other useless lessons from school. Here we go.

  1. How to care for a flour baby- If anything this does a disservice to future parents who, upon returning with their newborn spawn from the hospital, will be shocked to discover that it refuses to sit still and be quiet. Also when the week of care was over I’m pretty sure everyone made cookies out of their flour babies, which in the real world is extremely illegal and also constitutes cannibalism.
  2. Dissecting a frog- Unless you are planning to be a biologist or a potential serial killer literally what is the point of this? It’s one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced. Well, not personally, as I pretended I was a vegetarian on dissection day and refused to do it on principle, but I was still in the room as dozens of frogs were being senselessly butchered, and the incident still haunts me to this day.
  3. The order of operations-
    Accountant: What do you mean you can’t figure out how to balance your account? Did you never learn basic math?
    Me: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally
  4. Geometric proofs- I can’t set up an IKEA bed on my own but I can tell you with 85% certainty that x=y due to an obscure theory created by an obscure man that lived in an obscure country and probably needed to get laid.
  5. Je veux aller au cinema- I lived in Lyon for 4 months and never once did I use this. Yet for the first two years of my French lessons this is the only thing my teachers decided was important to remember. Along with “ou est Marc? Il est au cinema!”, so you can see why upon arrival in my adopted city, I half expected the entire French population to reside permanently in movie theatres.
  6. Pizza fractions- If Mary orders 12 pizzas but only leaves 1/16 of the order for her friends, what is left? Trick question. Mary has no friends because she’s a monster with no regard for the hunger of others. Bitch.
  7. Running the mile- Am I training for the Olympics? In need of learning how to evade capture? No? Then why would I ever need to run a speedy mile? Is walking out of the question? If yes, have you not heard of Uber?
  8. The various names of empires and dynasties- Forgive the morbidness, but they are all dead now. I’m sure they won’t mind if we forget how to spell their names.
  9. Learning cursive- This is a life skill I imagine will be incredibly useful for next week when I go back in time to 1785 and need to maintain correspondence with my dear aunt Mildred to let her know that I’m betrothed to Lord Jeffrey Devlin III (of the Wilkenshirebridge Devlins).
  10. The number of lines in a Shakespearean sonnet- Shakespeare is not going to rise from the grave and demand to know his legacy is being upheld. Additionally, the sonnet is a lost art. Nowadays, the youth has taken to simply Snapchatting their emotions with an appropriate filter. Riddle me that, English department.



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