If Your Jeans Were People

You know what they never say, jeans speak louder than words! And if your jeans were people, they’d be speaking in all sorts of dialect:


The Flare Jean is one with nature and has eschewed its belongings -except its guitar, of course- in favour of spiritualism. Probably vegan, the Flare Jean sneers at your mindless consumerism and penchant for shoes. The Flare Jean is named Rain Moonbeam (allegedly its birth name) and can make its own bedsheets from locally sourced wheatgrass and a touch of arrogance.


The Skinny Jean lives life a safe distance from the edge. This jean’s idea of a fun Friday night is time alone with a sandwich of American Cheese on Wonderbread and back to back Monk episodes. You may think this particular jean lives a boring, uneventful life but did you know? The Skinny Jean once snuck into a museum WITHOUT paying the suggested donation, and it was exhilarating! Of course you know, because the Skinny Jean has told you about 50 times.


The Boyfriend Jean is laid back and chill, or so it wants you to think. In reality, it devotes hours to developing that perfectly imperfect style that makes everyone think they just threw something on. In reality, it had a mental breakdown in its closet 30 minutes before leaving the house because it didn’t know if the cream chunky sweater delivered the right message or if the eggshell chunky sweater would be the better option. The Boyfriend Jean has a carefully curated minimalistic monochrome Instagram it loves more than its minimalistic hairless cat.


Ripped Denim is that one person who just got Facebook this year and is still not over the ending of Lost.


The Mom Jean is a 20-something wannabe fashion blogger, probably of Californian extraction, who would rather chew off its left pant leg than go two days without a green juice. It is a constant source of wonder for all parties who know it, because despite having no legitimate source of income and no musical knowledge whatsoever the Mom Jean can most likely be found at every music festival. Its secret? When no one is looking, the Mom Jean spends hours on Wikipedia furiously looking up obscure band names and munching on non-organic mac and cheese. The Mom Jean’s parent funds the rest.


Real mom. Drives a minivan. Has taken this video as style inspiration to follow:


The Ankle Grazing Jean either
a) studied abroad in Paris for two weeks in the summer and came back a reformed person who only wears black, owns four posters and a planner with Audrey Hepburn’s face emblazoned on the front, and has been known to spontaneously throw out a “oui –merde- I mean yes ugh sorry it’s just so hard adjusting to life in America again” every 4-5 minutes, or
b) is 18 feet tall, and gave up on trying to find a pair that fit, resigning itself to a life of cold ankles.


The Bootcut Jean is sensible, drinks the required 8oz. water a day, and doesn’t have time to read narcissistic fashion blogs trying to decode personality types via clothing.

One Comment

  1. Haha what an entertaining post! Loved the mom jeans and bootcut description!



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