Beyoncé’s new album/short film/virtual divorce papers/campaign trailer for her 2020 presidential run dropped this weekend and I am not ok. As the old saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make an album about your potentially cheating scumbag of a husband and drop it on a site that’s the musical equivalent of Gretchen Wieners. Stop trying to make Tidal happen, it’s not going to happen.
Anyway, here are 10 thoughts I had whilst watching the entire 57 minutes of Lemonade on HBO after my roommate was able to steal someone’s login info.
- OK I know this is Beyoncé and I’m currently in the virtual presence of my God, but this video has some serious Carrie vibes and I’m probably not going to be able to sleep tonight.
- @Jay Z: You might wanna reconsider your 99 problems philosophy, homie
- I think I would like “ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks” written on my tombstone. Right underneath “this was a homicide”.
- WHO IS BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR
- This deserves an Oscar. I haven’t seen cinematography this good since Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone when Voldemort appeared on professor Quirrell’s head and 8-year-old me was like woahhhhhh
- Country, huh? Unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome. Like finding a surprise piece of bacon in your guacamole.
- I’m scared but excited and also sad yet confused. And now I’m also thirsty and craving lemonade.
- Jay Z is a heartless scalawag who deserves to be promptly defenestrated for cheating on Beyoncé.
- Jay Z is a kind, loving father and attentive husband and I would like to be adopted into their family at their earliest convenience.
- Maybe if I’m really, really good for the next 60 years I can come back in my next life as Beyoncé’s left shoe.