Cut to the two guys expressing their feelings for Kaitlyn whilst packing in what appear to be 1950s motel rooms. Like I get that Bali might not have been in the cards this season, but come on ABC- there has to be at least a Holiday Inn somewhere in Utah, right?
Nick: Shawn doesn’t like me. At all.
10 points to Gryffindor!
Elsewhere, Kaitlyn is living the good life back in LA.
Kaitlyn: I am just so happy to be back in LA! We’ve finally escaped from Ireland so as far as I’m concerned IDGAF about who I end up with as long as I never have to go back there!
Kaitlyn meets her family, who is less than pleased that Nick V from Andi’s season is still here. Meanwhile, I’m less than pleased that her sister decided to get her hair done at Hot Topic, but ya can’t win em all.
NICK MEETS THE FAMILY (#prayforNick)
Nick: I’m going to meet the family, and I’m not really that nervous!
Oh Nick, I love your naïveté. Never lose it.
Kaitlyn is trying to diffuse the tension by laughing unnecessarily loudly at everything that is said. Do less, Kaitlyn, do less.
Her sister Haley, the goddamn wise woman of the forest, is nodding knowingly at everything Nick says, like he’s spouting some prophetic wisdom when all he’s really doing is trying to get everyone not to hate him.
Family: Why are you here?
Nick: I just wanted to meet her.
Haley: Ah yes. Brave soul. How wise you are.
Nick swiftly realises that the only way he will get past Kaitlyn’s mother is by being emotional, so he bursts into tears. Good move, Nick. Now Kaitlyn’s mother’s so in love with him she’s ready to marry him herself.
SHAWN MEETS THE FAMILY
Shawn’s speech to the family is so good that it should be saved and broadcast during sports games as a pep talk to the losing team. It’s equal parts motivational and equal parts moving. And 100% rehearsed in the mirror whilst he was applying copious amounts of hair gel.
Kaitlyn’s mom: Are you the jealous type?
Shawn: Who, me? Nah
In the meantime, Haley’s freaking the f*ck out about Shawn.
Haley: I’m team Shawn. Shawn is great. Connection emotions physical etc etc if you don’t marry him, I WILL
Haley Bristowe: Discreet Zero.
Sidenote: Did anyone else notice the Shrek soundtrack playing in the background?
DATE WITH NICK
Their date takes place on a boat, which seems to be decorated exclusively by PB Teen.
It would be very romantic except a large portion of the date is spent in awkward silence with Nick staring intensely at Kaitlyn and her laughing uncomfortably and then discussing their great connection.
I actually feel sorry for Nick; you can tell he’s SUUUUPER out of his element. You would think after two seasons he would be a seasoned professional at this, but he keeps staring at the floor and uncomfortably smiling. Poor dude. He needs a hug. Or at least a Neil Lane engagement ring (haHA see what I did there).
Nick reveals that he hit up the home goods section of Marshalls and gives Kaitlyn one of those tacky engraved picture frames with a poem inside. At first she didn’t realise what she was reading; she thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.
Kaitlyn: I can see him as my husband, but that pastel striped polo shirt he insists on wearing is going to have to go.
DATE WITH SHAWN
Shawn: I hope this isn’t our last date. I really care about you and love you deeply.
Kaitlyn: Do you have any sunscreen on?
I take back everything I said about Nick: THIS is the most awkward date I’ve ever witnessed. They are literally sitting in silence, chugging wine in a garden.
And then, because apparently a new prerequisite getting to the engagement ceremony is giving the Bachelorette a present, Shawn presents Kaitlyn with a memory jar. I shit you not, it’s straight outta Pinterest.
Kaitlyn: There’s so many memories in this jar it’s crazy!
Kaitlyn, it’s been two months. Chill.
THE NEXT DAY
And now a visit from Neil Lane, the Gremlin of the Bachelor series.
Nick, never one to miss an opportunity to tell the world his sob story, decides to berate poor, unsuspecting Neil with his love saga. Neil’s just like dude I don’t care just let me get to the product plug so I can go home.
Nick is staring at the ring in the limo with a disturbingly intense Gollum-like look. My preciousssss
Nick steps out of the limo first, pretty much the universal Bachelor/ette death sentence for “you’re going home dude”.
For some reason, they’re speaking in whispers. WE CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW. These crazy things called “microphones” have recently come into existence.
Nick: I loved you!
Kaitlyn: So did I!
Nick: NO YOU DIDN’T
Kaitlyn: BITCH YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE
Nick is gone, but don’t worry! He’ll be back next season, replacing Chris B. Harrison.
A direct line from Shawn’s proposal speech: You exceeded expectations.
Gold star, Kaitlyn! Really A+ work!
Well, there’s no elephant to ride off on but overall 10/10 proposal. One might say it exceeded expectations.