Donald Trump Is Running For President

This election is turning out to be more dramatic than an episode of The Real Housewives.

 Apparently Donald Trump has decided there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously rich with a beautiful head of hair, because he has decided to lend his (extremely limited nonexistent) political expertise to America and is running for President.

This is great news for people like the French, who needed another reason to make fun of Americans. Because nothing says political stability and great world power like a man with a ginger toupee leading the country, right?

I’m seriously unsure whether he’s straying from his medications or if he actually believes half the things he says. For example, he also announced that he wants Oprah to be VP.

Said Oprah: “F*ck no.”

But lets not completely disregard the many assets Trump brings to the table.

1. He’s a great businessman
“I beat China all the time. All the time.”
This is an undeniable fact. Donald Trump is a great businessman. This is made most obvious by the fact that he has his own TV show and gets to regularly fire people. He knows the importance of finding the root cause for business failures and fixing them. For example, when his Trump International Tower in Chicago defaulted on a $40 million loan in 2008, he declared it an Act of God because he knew that claiming responsibility for it would damage his image. Isn’t that the business-savvy logic we need in this country?

2. He really knows how to connect with the people
“Sadly, the American Dream is dead.”
In times like these, what with rising social tensions, ISIS, and economic problems, we absolutely DO NOT need optimism. Don’t try to tell Americans that it’s going to get better. What they need is a swift dose of reality. The American Dream is dead, and the country is going to shit. The only hope is reality TV star Donald Trump, who will bring the people out of the dark ages.

3. He understands the importance of progress and the digital age
“I have many websites, I have them all over the place.”
I can’t be the only one who is SO TIRED of politicians not knowing how to Instagram! I mean, POTUS just got a Twitter account. The nerve! Why don’t politicians these days have websites? We all know that hillaryclinton.com is a scam. Only Donald Trump knows the importance of having websites, having many of them, and having them all over the place. Like Google Chrome, Internet Explorer, and Firefox.

4. He’s an icon for balding people everywhere
I don’t have a quote for this one, but it goes without saying that this oppressed American demographic is in dire need of a role model. With his stunning toupee that has turned from a bold ginger colour to a subtle shimmering grey, Donald Trump can bring hope to the many people suffering from hair loss across the country. Nay, the world.

5. He’s very, very rich
“I’m not using donors, I don’t care. I’m really rich.”
Cut the crap, America. Politicians don’t need knowledge. They don’t need ideas. What they do need (besides websites) is money, and Donald Trump clearly has more than enough. What do you think this is, Canada? We don’t care about things like
“passion” and “ideas” and “intelligence”; we are not socialists. Give me wealth or give me death, that’s the motto of this country.

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