A Note on Airplane Food

Have you ever wondered what prison food tastes like? Suppressed a burning urge to try a day-old thawed ham sandwich? Look no further than your next airplane ride!

I don’t quite know at what point it became acceptable to serve half-frozen sludge to the poor souls in steerage (economy) while those in first and business class get Haagen-Dazs ice cream and complementary mixed nuts, but apparently segregation is still alive and thriving in the air travel industry. So we fend for ourselves.

Here are some tips on surviving airplane food without leaving with an illness.

-Do not eat the chicken: Because I don’t think it’s actually chicken. That grey piece of unidentifiable “poultry” more strongly resembles an eraser than something that was ever alive and clucking.
-Actually, stay away from the (questionable) meat in general:
If you weren’t vegetarian before, you are now! Your best bet is to pick at the pasta/vegetable dishes; not because you’re being healthy, but because you have less of a chance of getting food poisoning.
-Anything pre-packaged is ok to eat: It’s pretty hard to screw up a packet of Oreos.
-Stock up on the pretzels: Ask for an extra pack for “your friend in the bathroom” and eat that later because let’s be real: the 4,5 half-broken pretzels that come in one tiny bag might be enough for a Munchkin, but not for you.
-Get more coffee: Coffee is an appetite suppressant. When all else fails and you can’t get to food, curb your hunger until you land by asking for a few more cups of coffee. Then run (or slow jog to avoid arrest) through customs and get yourself to the nearest cafĂ© ASAP.
-BYOF (bring your own food):
TSA hasn’t banned solid food yet, so there’s still hope! There is nothing stopping you from bringing packs of Digestive cookies, chips, and sandwiches. Just don’t be that person who brings seafood onto a tiny plane; I can tell you from a particularly awful 2 hour trip next to a sushi enthusiast that you will be hated by every member of the cabin and crew.

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